Monday, July 23, 2007
considering to end a chapter
i was trying to prevent myself to make an entry about this so i kept myself busy editing my thesis and doing some good deeds by helping read through other people's theses, just to keep my mind of this. but now that i'm done (i think) with everything, i can't seem to fall asleep without doing this.
thoughts on saturday night (21 july)... exactly one year ago, i was extremely happy. not really full of hope, but happy. for the past year, i did what i thought was right. i must admit i had my personal intentions (or motives, for that matter), but for the most part, i think (and would like to believe) that i just did everything that i thought would be better for everyone. through everything, i kept myself happy even if in the process i find myself hurting. i know i don't have any right to get hurt, but i still did everything to try to keep you happy and keep myself sane. no regrets, if only for the fact that i was happy doing everything.
the year went by and i found myself getting into something i already cried over a few years back. the apprehensions were there but i didn't back off, thinking that this could probably be my chance to correct a wrong i did before. or more accurately, not to make the same omission. again, i found myself happy and this time, hopeful. months passed and while you confided everything, i felt that we were drifting apart. very ironic. but just the same, i continued to be happy.
a month back, i got tired of the whole race. i wanted to end everything (if there was anything to end anyway). i realized that the hopeful me, was just that -- hopeful -- and nothing more. i figured that i wasn't anyone in your life. the past weeks were hard because i was trying to keep my resolve to do everything for me not to crumble. yet, i haven't quite succeeded. i haven't found the answer if i wanted to close this chapter of my life. a part of me tells me to but another part of me says otherwise.
going back to saturday night (or make that past midnight), i felt i deserved more than "thanks." a year after an eventful night, i don't know if i'm still happy or if i'm still me.
thoughts on saturday night (21 july)... exactly one year ago, i was extremely happy. not really full of hope, but happy. for the past year, i did what i thought was right. i must admit i had my personal intentions (or motives, for that matter), but for the most part, i think (and would like to believe) that i just did everything that i thought would be better for everyone. through everything, i kept myself happy even if in the process i find myself hurting. i know i don't have any right to get hurt, but i still did everything to try to keep you happy and keep myself sane. no regrets, if only for the fact that i was happy doing everything.
the year went by and i found myself getting into something i already cried over a few years back. the apprehensions were there but i didn't back off, thinking that this could probably be my chance to correct a wrong i did before. or more accurately, not to make the same omission. again, i found myself happy and this time, hopeful. months passed and while you confided everything, i felt that we were drifting apart. very ironic. but just the same, i continued to be happy.
a month back, i got tired of the whole race. i wanted to end everything (if there was anything to end anyway). i realized that the hopeful me, was just that -- hopeful -- and nothing more. i figured that i wasn't anyone in your life. the past weeks were hard because i was trying to keep my resolve to do everything for me not to crumble. yet, i haven't quite succeeded. i haven't found the answer if i wanted to close this chapter of my life. a part of me tells me to but another part of me says otherwise.
going back to saturday night (or make that past midnight), i felt i deserved more than "thanks." a year after an eventful night, i don't know if i'm still happy or if i'm still me.
